Today I spent a good portion of the day painting. It has been a while since I posted anything on my blog, mainly because if I am honest, I often feel like I am not living up to my potential as an artist. I don’t have the hunger to strive for greater and greater gallery representation, probably because I fear being rejected as much as fearing being too busy from the contractual obligation to create a certain number of pieces every year. I know I need to be a father during this time in my life, a Dad that drives his kids to places so that they can try out different things, and see what life has to offer THEM.
But I do question if by choosing to invest in other people with my time if I am thereby also choosing not to live up to my potential.
That phrase, “live up to your potential” is something of a millstone hanging in my neck. I was raised to think (correctly, I would say) that my gifts and talents are not my own. I get to carry them to serve others… but not at the expense of others. So, when I create lately, I realize that I’m not in my studio as often as I used to be just a few years ago. I notice that I produce less, and to be honest, I do a lot less of pretty much everything because I am tired a lot. I’m getting older, I am starting to see poorly, my body hurting more often, and I feel mentally exhausted and can’t concentrate like I used to
But, I have some great relationships in my life. I love my wife, my kids, and people in my church. I sometimes wonder if living up to my potential isn’t so much about achieving a lot with the gifts and talents I have as much as investing myself in the people I’ve been given.
If that is the case, I can be a happy man.