Conviction
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Today I had something happen to me that I just felt I needed to write down. Maybe I am writing this down more for me than for anyone (I have no idea if people even read this blog) …
… and I know this has been a blog about visual art, but I may need to have a moment to make an exception and talk about creativity and following God. Because something very small and yet very profound happened to me that I do not want to fall outside my consciousness. God is teaching me, leading me, and I almost would have missed it if I had been able to have my own way.
I started a drum circle at my church, intending to start an intergenerational drum circle. We have met three times, and up until this week, it was a mix of both adults and children. About 50/50. And then this last week, I had a lot of parents drop off their children, using me as a babysitting service.Â
Initially I was resentful, thinking that people were misusing me. I wanted to be a part of an intergenerational music making experience, not a place for people to drop off their little ones. And then I looked. I was in a room of mostly 5-8 year-old children who really wanted to be right there in the circle. They wanted to be a part of this. They were quiet, attentive, and wanted to play drums. I realized that my core group, the people who most wanted to make the drum circle a meaningful ministry were not the adults my heart craved to play with … they were little ones.Â
I went home initially frustrated. Then I felt ashamed that I did not appreciate those children for being there. This has touched my heart more deeply this week than anything I have done in the past few years in volunteering at church. I was moved by recognizing my own ingratitude and convicted that maybe God’s plan for me was not my plan, but something different and more meaningful than I had hoped to achieve by my plan. My job is to show up with drums, an open heart, a loose plan and love. I am recognizing, though I was nearly blind to it, that I  am actually a seed planter in fertile soil that will certainly grow … though it may be many years in coming to fruit. Or maybe that is another thing I need to recognize – that the fruit may just be a different variety of fruit than the one I thought I was going to harvest. I have so much to learn to see.
This morning, while dropping off my own girls for children’s church, I was greeted by the smiles of three of the children whom I now recognize from the drum circle. They each greeted me, and one of them ran up to me to tell me that today was his birthday. He was 8.Â
I could have missed this if I had had my way.
Happy birthday, little man.
I did not set out to minister to children. I intended to allow kids to participate as an afterthought, a way to get the adults to come if they could bring their kids along with them and have it “be ok.” Now I am getting a little glimmer of insight that maybe this whole ministry, and my heart, may need to be open to being led in an entirely different direction.
I was playing drums with two friends tonight at a wedding. We were making up rhythms and having a great time. A little guy, only 2 years old, the son of a friend came up and wanted to play. My heart is starting to see things differently now. I knealt down so he could play on my djembe with me. He too is a drummer. I need to be open to being a role model for little ones, not a facilitator only to the adults.
God, help me to sense your guiding. Light my path. Guide my feet. Touch my heart … and my hands.