Coming In

Bear With the Failings of the Weak

Joy is another way to say the dancing of the heart.

This has been a week of emotional ups and downs for me. I still remember that about a year ago I struggled with the beginning of a long period of depression that I am no longer swallowed by. I was talking about this with a friend this weekend, saying that I am noticing that my artwork is happy now – something that was not the case for a long, long time. He said to me, “I think it is the drum circles.” I thought about this and had to agree. Drumming has helped me to more frequently encounter a sense of joy. Yesterday, I saw a young woman who was quite distraught for many weeks in the hospital get up and dance twice during the drum circle I led in the hospital. She was jumping up and down, grinning broadly … it caused me to feel her happiness in my heart. I know that my heart is changed, and for the better. I am just bursting with joy that I want to share with everyone! God has brought me through depression, kept me safe when I was attacked, and gave me a reason to dance. But this is so much more elegant to express through paint.

God, I love you.

Acceptance, Rejection, and Contentment

I have been greatly blessed the past few weeks, though I have been pressed to my limits at work. I have had a number of difficult situations at work with patients, insurance reviewers, and staff that have been quite distressing to me. But through it all I have been able to create beautiful art.

I had a very fortunate thing happen to me the other day. I was interviewed by the Grand Rapids Press and they ran a rather long article on artists serving the church in the RELIGION section of the paper which was a wonderful article. I will provide a link to it on the website for those of you who would like to read it. However, the article mentioned that my work would be a part of the Celebration Exhibit which opened this weekend at I United Church.

Well, wouldn’t you know it … the two artists interviewed for this article both were cut by the juror! It was ironic. But what was really ironic to me was that though it never feels good to be rejected from an exhibit, I was quietly at peace about the whole thing. I think the nice surprise of being in the paper more than made up for the disapointment of being cut from the show. The funny thing is, I have not sold anything for over two years now … and in my heart I know that I am creating some of my best work I have ever made. I don’t know what God is up to, but I am curious to see what comes next.

I wanted to show the painting here, because I TOTALLY love it, and it is hanging in my living room right now – just perfect for Chinese New Year. It is a metaphorical dream image of the parable of the lost coin, and I love the sense of movement and dynamism that I am exploring lately.

Remember

I was thinking about this passage of scripture today, and wanted to share it here. It speaks to me of humility and honors broken things so beautifully…

I Corinthians 1:18-31

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”
Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.”

Today is one of those days when I am just feeling so powerless.  There are things at work that are so frustrating sometimes that I have no power to do anything about.  I want to advocate for justice with my patients, but it is hard to make things happen for people with complex and profound needs.  I just need to remember that God can use me, in my broken state.  I think it matters to God that we try to live our lives the best we can, and leave the results up to Him.  I just can’t do it myself, God.

Release

I keep having the goldfish dreams … it seems to be pressing on me, tugging at me, eating away at me. I have this sense that God is wanting me to go ahead and explore this composition, but I am not clear on the reason for this. I suppose that the journey is in the making.

I had so many frustrations today that it was really hard to proceed with preparing for my show this weekend. I am really nervous about how this show will go over for some reason. I think part of it is that this show is so totally honest about my own recent struggles that I really fear being honest. I know that my own brokenness will be exposed, and I am trying to come to grips with this but it is hard. I also had quite a number of frustrating things happen today that were frustrating that I am trying to release to God. But God, I need your help to do it!

Maybe this is part of the image of the fish that I keep seeing in my mind. I need to allow myself to sink into the waters of God’s embrace to experience what it is like to have these burdens lifted from me to float to the surface and away from my heart. God, take my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. Let me learn how to cry again without being weighed down with my brokenness. Let me fly from this cage that holds me, God.

Goldfish Dreams

Chocolate RyukinThe last few days I have been seeing this idea in my head over and over again. In my imagingings, I see a large goldfish gracefully swimming, swirling, and eventually encircling a woman wearing a long Qing Dynasty robe. I heard this sermon this past weekend on suffering which really spoke to me. It was about God knowing our tears. In my dream, God is the fish, and I am the sinking woman. God is catching me, in spite of my tears. I want to be able to open myself up to God to be able to cry freely without becomming depressed. I want to be able to be completely transparent and vulnerable in the presence of God, but sometimes it just seems like I hold everything back just too much. I think this could be an amazing painting if I could just see the image more clearly in my mind. I love this daydream.  I have started to collect photos of Ryukin goldfish, and other double fantail goldfish as this is the kind of fish I am seeing in my mind.  The photo here shoes the kind of pose the fish is striking in my mind.  I only wish I had a goldfish I could watch so as to learn how to paint the slow, graceful sense of the fish more clearly.

Beautiful Grace

Mei Yun 2009

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been moved tremendously by grace this year. This has been a year I would not want to repeat, but one for which I am sure I will look back on as a year I grew tremendously.

This was a year that I struggled with depression, culminating in surviving unharmed from a patient who tried to attack me and broke through a door, leaving me shaken but unharmed. I needed some months to heal from this. But through the healing process, I rediscovered my longing to write about and publish one of my manuscripts on creativity and faith. It is my plan to begin work on the editing and submission process after putting together a show at Bethlehem Lutheran Church here in January 2010.  In rediscovering this dream (to write and hopefully publish), I have rediscovered a joy and a new purpose, which is giving me renewed energy.  I can’t wait to work on the manuscript for Art as Prayer.

This was my second year that I sold no artwork, though I believe that my work has grown in spite of it all. I am learning to be faith-full while being faithful to create art when there is no evidence to validate me for making it.  I am continuing to press on and create in spite of what is going on around me economically.  The local economy here in Michigan rose to 15%, and I feel fortunate to be working and not trying to make a living from painting sales. Galleries are closing in the city, and things are rough. We will see who survives this period.

This was a year in which I found a new passion: leading drum circles.   While I am no dancer, the pulse of making music with strangers is somehow incrediby appealing to me.  Drawing drum songs out of people is an art form I am just starting to see the potential for.  I am beginning to experiment with and explore how to take this music making format and use it in a worship context. I have people who mentor me now. My wife, children, and parents give me their support and encouragement, and I am blessed because of this.

My life has not been easy this year, but I have much to be thankful for. God has been good to me, and I experience his beautiful grace in my life. I am truly rich.

Beautiful Sadness

Snowy PineI am feeling so calm right now, like I am happy, and at the same time want to cry. Happy tears. Some kind of deep goodness has found a resting place in my heart.

Today for group therapy, my plans were not working out. I could not get the printer to work for some reason, and it didn’t feel like the kind of day suitable to lead a drumming group. The ground is covered with a thick blanket of snow, the wind is whipping up spirals of white powder and hurling them through the air. The earth seems still – even in the hospital.

So today I decided to punt.

I love punting. I believe that intuition is a beautiful thing – doing what feels right. The moment seemed like everyone was calm and I did not want to break this sensability. So, with the grey light of winter filtering the sunlight through the windows of the dining room, I and another staff put on a small concert for the patients in the hospital. I played the upright piano we have on the unit. I played a tender song, softly, but with feeling. No one moved.

We talked after I played about what their imaginations did while I was playing. They spoke about calm, peace, and one patient said that she heard beauty with a touch of sadness. Another patient said that she cried at one point.

This was all in response to spontaneous improvisational music that just poured out of my heart. I think there is a line in scripture that says “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” My heart was overflowing into my fingers, and I feel that God used this.

It is so moving to me when these kinds of moments happen. I feel glad to be alive. I feel a kind of profound and quiet joy that makes me feel like being still.

Silent.

Beautiful.

God, What Are You Up To?

Chinese-MusiciansThis entire month I have been seriously moved by my experiences drumming and painting in the presence of God. I am preparing for a show in January at Bethlehem Lutheran Church and am somewhat stressed about this as I always am preparing for a show. I am also quite interested in the way these shows always come together. I am already thinking of who will be in the space there, where their hearts will be, and what God may communicate to them through the pieces I have there. I am working on a quite sizeable piece on freedom in Christ that is taken from a story I heard about a dancing concubine who danced for a Chinese emperor on Lotus blossoms … which became the impetus for bound feet in time. I use the lotus as a symbol of resurrection, and am playing with the double meanings between the brokenness and the image of restoration there.

I also was quite taken by a man who came to the hostpial drum circle today. He is Native American and has told me on more than one occassion that he really connects with the drumming that I do in the hospital. He wants some day to be able to play the “honor beats” on the large drum at the pow wows he attends. Today, he selected a large frame drum and was beating the thing nearly to death. He was loud, and kept changing the beat up. I pulled the group to a halt, and in the assessment of what was going on in the circle, asked him how he was doing inside today. He was called out of the room a few minutes later, but he came up to me later and asked about this. I told him that I very much wanted him in the circle again, and that I wanted him to play that same drum. I told him that I was concerned, however, with the kind of energy that he was emitting through his drumming. I wondered where the state of his heart was today. The drumming is opening up opportunities for me to talk about real things with people … and I am becomming more comfortable with taking the step of faith to talk about these things with people.

God, what are you up to? I don’t know where I am going, but I know you are with me. Thank you for changing my heart to make me more like you want me to be.

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I am becomming interested in seeing how the structure of the “Tabernacle Progression” we use at church to structure the worship portion of the sermon could be adapted for a drum circle format of worship. I think this is an idea that has some currency, and I want to pursue this and see if I can develop a protocol that would embody the ideas to create a method of non-verbal worship that connects people creatively to God.

If there was one thing I could do with my life, it would be to help people find creative connections to God, to be the people God designed them to be, expressing themselves in their own unique way to the God who made them each so differently.

God, please … grant me this desire if it is your desire too.