Beautiful Sadness

Snowy PineI am feeling so calm right now, like I am happy, and at the same time want to cry. Happy tears. Some kind of deep goodness has found a resting place in my heart.

Today for group therapy, my plans were not working out. I could not get the printer to work for some reason, and it didn’t feel like the kind of day suitable to lead a drumming group. The ground is covered with a thick blanket of snow, the wind is whipping up spirals of white powder and hurling them through the air. The earth seems still – even in the hospital.

So today I decided to punt.

I love punting. I believe that intuition is a beautiful thing – doing what feels right. The moment seemed like everyone was calm and I did not want to break this sensability. So, with the grey light of winter filtering the sunlight through the windows of the dining room, I and another staff put on a small concert for the patients in the hospital. I played the upright piano we have on the unit. I played a tender song, softly, but with feeling. No one moved.

We talked after I played about what their imaginations did while I was playing. They spoke about calm, peace, and one patient said that she heard beauty with a touch of sadness. Another patient said that she cried at one point.

This was all in response to spontaneous improvisational music that just poured out of my heart. I think there is a line in scripture that says “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” My heart was overflowing into my fingers, and I feel that God used this.

It is so moving to me when these kinds of moments happen. I feel glad to be alive. I feel a kind of profound and quiet joy that makes me feel like being still.